Getting older, new problems

Livi is having a hard time at the moment. I have to say that I am releived it has surfaced during the holiday, because I would probably have put it down to being tired from school if it had happened during the term time.

She is a very strong minded and strong willed young lady. She hates being given direction and yearns for independence at every possible opportunity, even when it is not possible. When the answer has to be "no" she chucks an enormous paddy. We have been trying with various degrees of success to find solutions to her behaviour, because, loving mother as I am, I am not good at being whined at, or shouted, screamed and kicked out at.

The Montessorian part of my brain is telling me she has too much choice and I need to reign in the amount there is to choose from and give her an either or choice. This is not what Madame wishes to hear. If the choice is A or B then you can be darn sure she'll choose T. And then convince herslef that she can't live without it, that T is what she wanted all along and that I am horrible and mean and I hate her.

After she has calmed down we get the other side of her - she turns the bad feelings inwards and tells me that she hates herself and that she is really bad and she wishes that she could stop behaving like this.

Our big problem is that she agrees to a strategy, she'll even think it up herself. But when she is in a passion then there is no reasoning with her. She will reject her own solution and any others that are given and only calms down if someone gets cross with her. As Johnny was the same I can only come to two possible conclusions.

#1. is that something in my parenting brings this on and makes it inevitable (although it never happened with Abi)

#2. is that there is something their personalities that makes it happen.

As Johnny has mostly grown out of it I am hoping Livi will too. Of course, she might have learnt it from him. And on the other hand maybe it is a combination of her personality, my personality, our parenting, copying her brother.

I am trying to think of solutions.

I am sticking to my guns as far as the limiting of choice is concerned.

I am going to tidy and empty her room tomorrow while she is out and prettify it, which she wants, and make it possble for her to keep it nice herself, as that is a big blow-up point.

I refuse to go down the path of stickers and charts and rewards. They are not a solution. The behaviour stops for as long as the reward is offered and reappears as soon as it is stopped because the parent thinks the behaviour is cured. Also, how do we prove that she would have whined but didn't? It is an impossible situation and not what I am about to get into with her. That could easily turn into a power struggle all of its own!

I need a book! I wonder if I have a book that addresses this in a way I accept? I must go and see what I can find!!