Livi's idea

Livi and I were talking last night as she was snuggled up in bed. She was trying to work out why, in her words, she was such a naughty girl. This is not language I would use to or about her so it is something she has picked up elsewhere.

We had the "You are not naughty but your behaviour sometimes is and sometimes isn't" discussion. Then it occured to me that although I am trying very hard to step the line that is called authoritive parenting - that is a combination between "warm" and "firm" I am obviously missing something out because this is something that is bothering Livi and it shouldn't be, not so much.

I came to the realisation that although I do not like using charts or incentives to manipulate my children into a behaviour that I want it is different if they ask. I wan't listening to Livi when she asked for a star chart or a marbles in the jar, I was being authoritarian in imposing my ideals and wishes over hers. She was telling me that she needed something to help her, something that she could see and was tangible, had an end point or a reckoning point every week and that she and I both had a say in.

Therefore, we had a new discussion about what would work. I pointed out to her that I didn't know if she had stopped herself from whining or being bossy, if it hadn't started to come out of her mouth and I heard her stop it. If she stopped it in her head, then I wouldn't know about it.

So, we have come p with our variation of Bears in a Basket. They use this at her school and I am very against it for a group of children. The idea is that good behaviour is rewarded with bears being put in the basket and poor behaviour with bears being taken out of the basket. When all the bears are in the basket there is a reward. In a school situation I think this is just plain nasty - a child is deemed to have misbehaved (and in some situations they have and in others the teacher needs to to think a little harder about WHY) and they have to take a bear out of the basket. This results in the rest of the class being extremely angry with them, so the child has been told off, then they are publicly humiliated and then they have to endure their entire class being angry with them as well. If they are getting near to the basket being full it gets even more vicious.

So, rant over! Livi has a basket with 20 beads in. Through the day she and I will decide together if a bead should be taken out or put in. At the end of the day we'll count the beads. If there are more than 20, she'll get an extra story. Each new day starts again with 20. I felt very strongly about this last point. Once a day is over, it is over, we start agin the next day with new intentions. At the end of the week we'll see how she's done and if it has been a good effort to stop whining and being bossy then there may well be a trip to the park and an icecream.