Bugger.
Every now and again I get this feeling that I am not living the life I should have been living. That somehow I took a wrong turning and am trapped in a situation that I unwittingly chose.
I chose to do the wrong degree. Music - what use is that?
I didn't work and only got a 2:2. Everyone knows you need a 2:1 at the very least and a first if possible in order to get anywhere.
I opted to continue my studies, doing a post-grad certificate in music performance. I chose to do it part-time so it was two years of study. I knew after two months that I hated it. I carried on anyway and failed the entire course by 2%. Stupid. I should have admitted much earlier that it was not right for me and changed things.
What did I want to do? I didn't know then and I don't know now.
Good things I did that I don't regret:
I got married and had three beautiful children.
I converted to Judaism.
I did the Montessori course but I should have got the teaching practice. Typical me to leave it and not carry it through to the bitter end.
What is up now?
Not sure. I am getting bored. I enjoy my life but there is something missing.
Sometimes I think I should be at home, keeping the home running and keeping on top of what the family is doing and needs. At the moment we very much live minute to minute. We react. I don't have time to plan or to organise beyond the absolute necessary. I always feel out of control and don't sleep well.
I would like to do a degree that is useful, that I am passionate about but a degree is not enough to get a good job these days. I need a Masters. I should look for something that I could do now, without any extra undergraduate study, but where aould that leave us.
If Ed gets this job and the pay is good enough, I may get a bit of time to think, to organise, to get in control, to sleep well and make soem decisions.
In the meantime, I need to make some decisions so I can stop feeling trapped. It has been too many years of feeling that I missed a train. Time to find the right one and hop on.
Do you like free goodies?
8 hours ago
4 comments:
Isn't it amazing how "What do I want to be when I grow up?" is an answer we continue to ask ourselves after we've already "grown up"?
Hardest question ever!
I have no idea what I want to be when I gorw up but I have applied this evening for a course with the Open University to do a Post-Grad course in Child development and psychology!
Preaching to the choir, Sista! I did a German degree and was then shocked to discover that teaching seemes pretty much all I was fit for. Turned out I was good at it but it exhausted me too much.
I really hope this job turns out well for Ed and that you are able to take some time reassessing. We need to meet soonish, I think. Remind me when we do to tell you about my friend here in Colchester who took 18 months off work and really got to grips with her life. She noew has a two day a week job and that's great for her (three kids, husband working long hours, sound familiar??!!). Anyway, sending hugs. Agree with Jim too. I still have no idea what I want to be ...
Ah, this comes at a time when I'm trying to force myself to finish a degree I no longer want. I can understand where you're at! I'll cross my fingers that Ed gets the job and you get a chance to focus on finding your passion. xo
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